FIC!

Title: We Shall Have Them
Pairing: None. Gen fic.
Rating: G
Summary: Hastur, Ligur and Crowley meet in Sainsbury's supermarket to discuss the evil they have committed. It turns out Crowley has been spending time in the Harry Potter fandom...

Thanks to muffinbutt for the beta! :)



Two demons - two very senior demons – in fact, two Dukes of Hell – stood in a deserted corner of the Snacks and Confectionary Department of Sainsbury’s supermarket.

“He’s late again,” grunted Hastur, munching unhappily on a Garibaldi biscuit.

“He calls it ‘fashionably late’,” replied Ligur. “He should be here soon.”

Good afternoon, this is a colleague announcement. Would all department managers please report to the general office as soon as possible. Thank you.

“Why are we meeting here, anyway?” asked Ligur, frowning. “We’ll never be able to concentrate with all these colleague announcements and customer special offer information announcements, or whatever they’re called.”

“That’s why we invented them,” said Hastur. “I’m investigating how much they annoy customers. One hundred and fifteen complaints in the last hour.”

“You can make this one hundred and sixteen,” came a voice from in front of a large display unit of Special Value Cream Crackers. Hastur turned, not sure whether he was being complimented or not. Crowley was, of course, dressed in black and sporting a pair of expensive sunglasses.

“All hail Satan,” said Ligur.

“All hail Satan,” said Hastur.

“Hi,” said Crowley. “What’s the news, then?”

“Ahem,” said Hastur. “I had a productive morning. I convinced the manager that it was acceptable to flirt with young employees during staff evaluation meetings. Made him think it would never lead anywhere. Made him think his wife wouldn’t care. Within five years we shall have him.”

“Satan will be pleased,” noted Ligur.

“Cool!” said Crowley.

“I spent the morning at an international financial institution,” Ligur informed them. “Convinced a trader not to report his boss’ illegal dealings. Made him think his boss is a decent guy really, he just made one small mistake. Made him think it was something anyone could do, maybe something he could do. Told him he was underpaid and maybe he should consider it too. Some time during the next fiscal cycle we shall have him.”

Good afternoon, this is a customer announcement. Please be aware that in aisle nine there is a wide range of pork products now slightly reduced in price.

“And what did you do, Crowley?” Hastur asked, hoping that the junior demon had spent his time carefully for once.

“OK, so, I spent the morning online,” Crowley said. “You know, the internet? Computers? Very popular these days. Anyway. I was hanging around in the Harry Potter fandom, which is mostly on LJ these days, it seems –”

“LJ?” asked Ligur. “What’s that?”

“Blogging service,” Crowley explained. “Blogging, um, online diaries? Keep in touch with your friends from around the world. Chat about things you like. You can set up communities to share common interests. That sort of thing.”

Hastur scratched his head, confused. “And Harry Potter?”

“You must know Harry Potter!” Crowley was aghast. “Huge cultural icon. Books, movies, merchandise.”

“Boy wizard with scar,” Ligur said. “A load of crazy fundamentalists hate him. Burned his books. I made one of them think that a little book-burning wouldn’t lead to restrictions on freedom of speech. By the 2008 Presidential election we shall have him.”

“Oh yeah, I think I remember,” said Hastur.

“Now,” continued Crowley, “lots of people like to write stories based on the Harry Potter books. It’s called ‘fanfiction’. They put these stories on the internet so people can tell them what they think. Then they all hang around and chat on LJ. That’s called ‘fandom’.”

Ligur grunted.

Good afternoon, this is a customer announcement. We would like to inform you that in the Fruit and Vegetables department there is a wide selection of apples that are only slightly bruised now available at up to 30 percent off.

“And I’ve had quite a productive day there so far. First, I beta-read several fanfics from well-known writers –”

“Beta-read?”

“Edited. Sorry, Hastur. They were quite good until I subtly changed them without the writers really being aware of what I was doing. Started turning them into Mary Sue fics. Put in Americanisms. Made Ron out-of-character in four of them. Haha, and get this. I hacked into Cassie Claire’s computer and deleted four pages of the next chapter of DV.” He chuckled to himself.

Hastur hadn’t understood a word. His attention wavering, he opened up a nearby box of Sainsbury’s Special Lo-Carb Belgian-Style White Chocolates, sampled a few, and put the box back, smiling.

Ligur grunted.

“Then, I set up my own LJ. A troll account, that means a fake one trying to stir up trouble. I pretended to be a homophobic racist called Darlene Hartsford. Started a huge flamewar.”

“Flamewar?” asked Hastur. It sounded promising.

“Huge argument, lots of people getting very angry and abusive. Then I was accepted to be a mod – er, that’s moderator, someone who helps out at a website – on a well-known Harry Potter fanfiction site. Made them think that their message boards were safe with me. If everything goes according to plan I will be able to bring the entire site down within weeks. There’s over a thousand members there, they’re going to be so pissed off.”

Ligur stared at him.

“Er, this time next year, we shall have them,” Crowley added.

Good afternoon, this is a colleague announcement. Would all colleagues who can possibly manage it please report to checkouts immediately even if it leaves your department totally unstaffed. We apologise to our customers for any delays, four of our checkout staff have not turned up, yes, what is it, Collingwood? You’re ten minutes late, you fucking…um, very sorry about that, three of our staff have not turned up and we are experiencing unavoidable delays. Thank you.

“Anything else?” Ligur asked.

“Why, yes,” said Crowley, grinning. “I set up two more troll accounts earlier. Watchful Entity, which watched a lot of people via LJ friends lists and said that everyone was being really mean. Annoyed hundreds. Then there was the business with Fermatojam…”

“Yes, I think we’ve heard enough, very good, Crowley,” interrupted Hastur.

“But I haven’t told you about how I got into the Fandom Wank cabal yet!” protested Crowley. “I could get a commendation for some of this stuff, I really could.”

Hastur and Ligur shook their heads, and vanished with a quiet pop.

Crowley, rather disappointed, wandered into the now-unattended Wines and Spirits department and put a bottle of fine single malt scotch in his inside coat pocket.